


Light From Ashes

by starbender



Category: Star Trek Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-17 00:50:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5847472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbender/pseuds/starbender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kes helps Tom deal with his grief but then the unexpected happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tom and B’Elanna forever in the Prime Universe but there is that pesky alternate timeline. I believe Tom is the kind of guy who doesn’t do anything halfway. I believe he loved Kes with all his heart just as he did with B’Elanna but in a different way. In the TV episode he lost B’Elanna, he and Kes married and had a baby during the Year of Hell. I thought that was a bit quick even for Ocampans so I extended their timeline just a little.

Harry refused to leave his side for two whole days. During the memorial service he was there beside him and at night he slept on his couch. Tom was grateful. He knew the minute he was alone he would break down but he also knew it was inevitable. He lived in a state of shock and numbness. Chakotay granted him a few days leave despite the crisis. He spent it mostly in his room staring at nothing. He didn’t want to walk down the corridors and see the looks or hear the words of sympathy. Not yet.

B’elanna. It was a dream that wasn’t meant to be. She was gone, gone with the Captain who had believed in him and gave him a second chance. Pain would wash through him to the point where he couldn’t catch his breath. Sometimes he felt anger. Anger at whatever power it was that gave them to him, caused him to feel love and joy and then rip it away. At other times he felt empty inside and wondered how long it would take to die if he just threw himself out of an airlock.

It seemed like months but in reality it was only a few days. Harry had to return to duty and was concerned about leaving him but Tom told him to go ahead. He needed to get used to being alone.

He waited until after he was gone. He ventured out for the first time in days and went through the corridors picking his way through the debris. Things were still a mess. The ship was broken. He was unwilling to face anyone yet so he made the extra effort of traveling through a Jeffries tube to Deck 9, crawling and climbing slowly wondering if this was a good idea but something drove him on. He stood for a long time in front of her door before walking in.

She was everywhere. She had left her bed unmade and there were clothes strewn about. He picked up a padd and glanced through it. It was one of her romance novels. The pain was more forceful this time. He couldn’t breathe. Sitting down on her couch he relived memories of being there with her. She had preserved a single red rose he had given her for an anniversary present and there it was in a vase on the table in front of him. He picked it up and remembered the smile on her face when he had given it to her. He dimmed the lights so he could sit in the dark. The tears started to come and he knew he couldn’t stop them.

He was aware of the door opening and a flurry of movement. Someone’s arms were around him gently pulling his head on a shoulder. It was Kes. He didn’t stop to ask her why she was there. He cried. He let it out and was conscious of her hold on him, gently stroking his hair and whispering that it was ok to cry. He was vaguely aware of her wiping his face with something and once he glanced up at her. Tears were streaming down her own cheeks.

He didn’t know how long it lasted but he woke up on the couch. She was in the chair beside him watching him.

He sat up and wiped his eyes. “What made you come here?” He asked. “Did Harry…”

“I was taking care of the Captain’s personal effects, gathering her things to put in storage and I came here to see about... B’elanna’s things. I didn’t know you were here. I just came to look around. I guess I sensed her presence more than yours. I’m sorry if I intruded. ”

“No. No. Its OK.” Her large eyes were overflowing with compassion. He wasn’t surprised. It was part of her nature to do what she could to spare people pain.

At that moment the door opened. It was Harry.

“You weren’t in your room. The locator sensors aren’t working. At first I thought you might be in the Holodeck but then I thought…” he said.

“You thought correctly. Kes found me by accident.”

“Are you going to be OK?” Harry asked.

“I won’t be completely OK for a while if ever but you don’t have to babysit me anymore if that is what you’re asking. Thanks Harry. Thanks for everything.”

“You’d do the same for me.” Harry said.

“Yes.” Tom said. “Yes I would.”

There was comfort in being in B’elanna’s room surrounded by memories of her but there was one more task in front of him. He needed to see Chakotay.

Harry went back to the bridge and Kess returned to sickbay. Tom went to the Captain’s ready room conscience that Captain Janeway would not be on the other side. The pain washed through him once again coming from nowhere settling somewhere deep in his chest. He forced himself to push the entry pad. It chirped and he heard Chakotay’s ‘come in.’ A very tired looking man stood by the windows. Tom knew he wasn’t the only one who was grieving.

“Tom’ Chakotay said gently. “How are you?”

“Not good but better than I was. I think I’m ready to return to duty sir.”

“Good.” he said. He was obviously having difficulty focusing. “I’m going to have you work in sick bay for a few days. The Doctor and Kes need your help down there, if you are sure you’re up to it.”

Tom would have much rather returned to the helm but accepted he needed to go where he was most needed.

“Chakotay, sir. How are you?”

His new Captain turned away from him to face the window.

“I will be fine. When this is over I’ll take some time, maybe go visit an uninhabited planet and...think about things but I don’t have that luxury right now.”

“I understand sir.” Tom said.

“Yes. I know you do.” He turned around and the two men shared a long intense glance. Tom knew it would be a long time before they spoke of their shared pain.

“Dismissed.” He said quietly.

 

He understood why Chakotay had sent him here. Every bed was full and there were people waiting. Kes and the Doctor were busy but she paused long enough to give him a sad smile. The Doctor was standing by a biobed scanning a crewman. He stopped right in the middle of the procedure to look at Tom.

“Welcome back Mr. Paris” He said. He obviously wanted to say more but a patient on another bed groaned. Tom instinctively picked up a tricorder and began to scan him.

“No internal injuries but heavy bruising and a mild concussion’ He said. “He administered a hypospray for the pain.

All morning they worked talking only about injuries and treatments. Several times the ship would rock and then more would come. At one point the Doctor performed surgery with Kes assisting which left Tom to deal with a broken bone. He managed to repair it but the patient had other issues that needed the Doctor’s attention. On and on it went until the battle was over and all the patients stabilized.

“Do you want to face the mess hall?” Kes asked. ‘I’ll go with you, if you like.”

“I might as well get it over with.” He said. Avoiding things would be the easy way out. Right now everything caused him pain. A sound, a location, anything that had a memory.

He and Kes walked into the damaged mess hall to a sudden hush. To his relief no one said anything. They glanced in his direction and some nodded as he caught their eyes. Neelix who often liked to ramble during times like this keep quiet as he dished out bits of a cold leftover casserole. Tom and Kes sat down at a table by the window. He picked at his food which for once wasn’t that bad. For some reason he wanted to talk about B’elanna and he did. The things she did that drove him crazy, the fights they had but how they always made up. Kes listened and sometimes would reach out and gently squeeze his hand. Somehow he made it through the meal but had a sudden memory of being in this room with B’elanna over at that far table. He felt his eyes start water.

Kes noticed.

“Would you like to take a walk. Get out of here for a bit? We have a few minutes before we’re due back.”

“Yes” he said. “Yes I would.”.

“I’ll take you to the place where I go when I want to get away. “ She led him down a corridor that wound and wove through the lower decks and went in a turbolift for part of their short journey eventually winding up in an unmanned relay station. Tom had never been here before. It was a lonely place.

“This is where you come to get away from it all?” He asked.

“Yes. I know it's silly but I found it by accident when we first came on the ship. I liked to come here and think.”

“Doesn’t look to comfortable.”

“It's not.” She sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. She motioned for him to sit beside her. He did and once and without prompting the tears that he had been holding back released once again her comforting arms went around him. It wasn’t as intense as it was last night but he couldn’t stop it.

He finally pulled away. Once again her eyes were full of her own tears. She gave a small laugh and she produced some handkerchiefs from her pocket. 

“I keep them with me. I’ve used them a lot myself over the past few days.” She said. She laid a hand on his arm. ‘Tom, anytime you need me, day or night, it doesn’t matter please don’t hesitate to let me know. I am serious. We will get you through this. I promise.”

Her long hair framed her gentle face.  He grateful to have a friend like her.


	2. Chapter 2

Weeks passed and the fighting stopped. Tom returned to the helm and a time of long repair work began. Putting things back together took up most of their time but sometimes he would show up at her door unannounced and she always welcomed him. Sometimes he showed up and said nothing. She could tell by the look of pain on his face that he was hurting. Sometimes he cried. Sometimes he talked. Sometimes he paced the floor yelling at no one, angry at the direction his life had taken. This went on for several weeks.

She was alone in her quarters when she heard the familiar chime.

“Come in.” She said. It was Tom. This time there was something different about him. He stood straight and tall and he actually smiled at her. His eyes were brighter. He looked rested. She could sense that he was not exactly at peace but he was better.

‘“I want to thank you for everything you did for me. I don’t think I could have made it if you hadn’t helped me through it. I think you should apply to be the ship’s counselor.’ He said.

“It was no trouble Tom. I’m glad I was able to help you.”

“I wanted to say that I think I’m through the worst of it and if you and Harry want to pack away B’elanna’s things you should go ahead. I was just up there and I used it as my chance to say...goodbye.”

“Oh Tom.” She wanted to hug him but resisted. She let down her guard for a moment and felt quiet sorrow coming from him but it was not as intense as it was before. He was taking the first steps toward moving on.

“I'll be OK. Thank you. Thank you for everything and it goes without saying that if you ever need me to be there for you...just call. I owe you. “

“I know.”

There was a sudden awkwardness between them. They had been as intimate as two people could be who were not romantically involved.

“I guess I’ll see you in sick bay. I have a shift later this afternoon.”

“Yes. I’ll see you then. It means so much to see you doing better.”

“Thank you.”

And he was gone.

Disquiet filled her. She wanted him to move on but for him to get better that meant he didn’t need her anymore. She had gotten used to his presence and she wasn’t ready to let him go. She had concentrated so much on him and his feelings that she hadn’t noticed that something about her own feelings was changing. She didn’t know what it meant but her arms felt very empty.

Later she and Harry worked together in B’Elanna’s quarters silently gathering up her things, folding clothes and mementos into a storage container that they would try to beam down to a cargo bay. Kes didn’t know if the ship would ever reach Earth but it might someday and perhaps someone there would want them. All that was left was a single preserved rose in small glass vase that was placed on the table. She picked it up and stared at it. Something told her not to pack it away.

“Do you know about this?” She asked Harry.

“I think it was something he gave her for an anniversary. I guess her human half liked flowers.” He said.

‘Do you think Tom would want to keep it?” She asked.

“Maybe. You can ask." He replied.

He sealed up the container and hit his communicator.

“One container to beam to Cargo Bay One’ he said. With his words the container shimmered out of existent. They stared at each other and together they walked out of the empty room.

Walking to Tom’s quarters took more effort this time than usual. She was carrying the rose. There was a strong sense of B’Elanna’s presence as if she was walking there beside her. Kes hoped she would approve of what she was doing. She waited for a moment outside Tom’s door before she pushed the button. She activated the sensor, the chirp sounded and a moment later Tom was there, dressed in casual clothes.

“Hello Kes.” He smiled. He looked down at the rose she was carrying.

“I thought...maybe you might want something to keep with you. This looked...felt...special.”

He took it from her and continued to stare at it.

“It was. Thank you.” He said softly sitting it down on the table just inside the door.

“I can feel their presence." She said. “It's not just memories. It's like they left behind a trace of themselves. It's like a mist. I can’t explain it...I’ve felt it before...sometimes when I’m going down the hall I can feel the Captain beside me, sometimes I can hear the door to sick bay open and I turn around expecting to see her...it's so strong.” She felt her voice begin to crack and silent tears fell down her cheeks. She glanced over at Tom.

“Come here.” He said softly extending his hand. She walked over to him and his arms went around her. She buried her face in his chest and started to sob.  She had spent so much time on his pain because she thought his grief was greater but she hadn't taken the time to deal with her own feelings.  

“It's my turn” was all he said.

 

 

A few days later back in sick she heard him  laugh. He and the Doctor were arguing over something and she heard the words ”But Doc!” and he laughed. It wasn’t a loud laugh, more of a chuckle.  It was good to hear. She saw his face light up.

“He’s beautiful’ The thought came from nowhere and she couldn’t stop it. He was. His blond hair, the straight lines of his face, those intense blue eyes...she had long acknowledged the the fact but had never really stopped to look at him.  The feeling was somewhere between surprise and pain. She was overwhelmed by the sudden memory of his arms around her, the warmth of his body, the kindness in his voice. She felt her cheeks  burn at the thought.

To her horror she saw he stopped in mid laugh and was looking at her. She turned away suddenly and pretended to look for something on the medical tray.  She felt him beside her.

“Are you alright: He asked.

“Yes. I just remembered that I had forgotten something. You know how that is.”

“Yes I do. It looked pretty intense...whatever it was."

“It was nothing.”  She glanced at him and he smiled down at her. The overwhelming feeling was growing and would not be silenced. 


	3. Chapter 3

Sometimes the pain came back but the intensity of it all had lessened. He could think about B'Elanna and the memories were warm and gentle. He could laugh again. He no longer felt the need to go on a crying jag or to show up at Kes’ quarters unannounced. That woman had the patience of a saint and he honestly didn’t know what he would have done without her. She had let him ramble on and cry on her shoulder and he felt no need to hold anything back around her. Whispers of old feelings would sometimes surface and gently play with his heart but he quickly pushed it back down. He recalled the early days of their journey when he had become enchanted by the unusual alien woman. He couldn’t allow himself to think that way now.

He focused his thoughts instead on the little uncomfortable cubby hole she used as her getting away place. It was a bittersweet memory of stealing away with her there. He let his mind replay how he felt as she held him and allow him to release his emotions in a way he would never do around anyone else. An idea formed in his head and he smiled to himself. He would find a way to pay her back for all she had done for him.

Days went by and life and the crew got used to the new normal. Tom would find himself in the mess hall with Harry and Kes. There was something a bit different about her these days and Tom couldn’t pinpoint what it was. She was still friendly, she still smiled when he entered the room but something was not quite as it was. Whatever it was it didn’t seem to affect their relationship because she often suggested eating together when they could which he enjoyed.

He kept trying to resist but his thoughts insisted on revisiting the early days of their trip home and his memories of how he felt about her then. He realized that it would be so easy for it to start but he pushed them down. She hadn’t been interested then so there was no use to even think of going there. They were friends. Close friends.

Then something happened in sick bay. It was a small thing. She had dropped a hypo spray on the floor and they had both stooped down to reach for it. His hand inadvertently covered hers and he opened his mouth to joke about when he glanced down at her face. She looked up at him and quickly looked away. She was blushing. A very pretty blush. His observations of her odd behavior suddenly came back. She picked up the hypo spray and turned away leaving him speechless. He turned back to his work in an attempt to concentrate but the sight stayed lodged in his memory.

Later that night alone in his quarters he thought about the situation. Contrary to what the Doctor thought he was not an idiot. He knew how to seduce women but once in awhile he would trigger an infatuation and he never knew what he did to cause it. He would smile at someone or show an act of kindness and the next thing he knew he was the object of a crush. Maybe that’s what was happening now...he and Kes had become very close and for her it had turned into something more. Maybe he was just seeing what he wanted to see but a small part of him wanted it to happen but then again wouldn’t that just be him trying to cope by transferring his feelings to the woman who was for all intents and purposes his grief counselor?

“What do you think B’elanna?” He asked out loud. He was staring at the preserved rose Kes had so thoughtfully saved for him. He knew what she would say. It was almost an audible voice. _Find_   _Harry._  

He didn’t question the feeling. He immediately left and sought out his best friend, finding himself outside his door listening to the the sweet sounds of a saxophone. He opened the door to Harry’s surprised face.

“Well what do we owe the pleasure?” Harry said. Tom went in and sat down on his couch.

“You aren’t going to ask me to play something are you?” Harry asked smiling at an old memory.

“No, but I am here to ask your advice about something. Remember once...a long time ago how I came in here and said I thought I was in love with Kes.?”

“How can I forget? Wait...what?”

“I think...she has a crush on me or something.”

“Really? How do you know this exactly?”

“At the risk of sounding like a total jerk...I’ve seen it before. I recognize the signs. The thing is...you remember how I felt about her way back when…”

“Yes I do.”

“I think if I let it..those feelings could come back.”

Harry was quiet for the longest time.

‘Are you sure this isn’t just some sort of way of working out your grief? Turning to the the person who happens to be there?”

“I thought about that but the thing is Harry...this is coming from a real place. It was real before...I just never acted on it because it wasn’t meant to be then...but what if it's meant to be now? But then again... It somehow seems...wrong.”

“Wrong? You mean like you’d be betraying B’elanna or something?”

“Yes.”

More silence passed between them.

‘I know this sounds like a cliche but be absolutely honest... it were the other way around...and you were gone and it was B’elanna were here what would you want her to do?”

An image of her working in engineering, going to briefings, wandering through the corridors of the ship by herself. B'Elanna being alone caused a sadness to well up within him.

“I wouldn’t want her to be alone. If she found someone who would make her happy that would be all I cared about.” He said slowly.

‘I think she would feel the same. I think...she would want you to move on with your life.  And she was fond of Kes.”

“ It just seems...a bit weird...but regardless of how this plays out feels I am going to need your help with something….”

“Anything…you know that.” Harry said. He put the sax away and plopped down beside Tom on the couch. “So what do you need?”


	4. Chapter 4

People started to talk. Tom and Kes were spending quite a bit of time together. They didn’t seem to be a couple. There was no flirting, no witty banter, just two friends talking, mostly about what went on in sick bay. Someone heard that she had taken up her shuttle lessons again and they would be seen coming out of the holodeck but their talk was mostly about navigational problems. All agreed that whatever was going on it was good to see Tom almost back to his old self. Some recalled the early days of their trip when Tom had a crush on Kes and wondered if old feelings might flame up again. One crewman spoke of his jealousy about Paris being able to capture the attention of the prettiest women on the ship but he was quickly hushed.

Tom walked out into sickbay and began to straighten thing up before the day’s work, replacing instruments in the trays and resetting the scanners. The doors swished open and Kes walked in. She had a smile on her face and seemed to be deep in thought. She noticed Tom and she stopped short. She looked especially pretty today. Her long blonde hair cascaded gracefully on her shoulders and her eyes were bright.

 _She looks like an angel._ Tom thought. _She is my angel. She rescued me. She is light in a dark dark place. If I let myself I could fall in love with her. Why am I fighting this...?_  His feelings started to spill out before he could stop them.

Kes’ eyes suddenly stared at Tom. She took a step back. A soft rose colored hue rose from her throat to her cheeks.

“Are you OK?” He asked.

“Yes. Yes...I’m fine. I just…”

He took a step closer to her and gently put a hand on her shoulder. He felt a sudden urge to put his arms around her and pull her close to himself. To protect her. She immediately trembled at his touch and her blush became more intense.

 _Oh damn. She’s a telepath!_ Tom thought. Her head suddenly shot up and she stared straight into his eyes and he felt himself blush. He removed his hand and took a step back. He was afraid to let any kind of thought go through his mind. For what seemed like forever they stood and stared at each other.

She finally turned and ran from the room, the doors swishing behind her.

Kes ran back down the hall to her corridors. Tuvok had taught her how to mentally shield her mind from the thoughts of others. She did not deliberately read the minds of her friends but for some reason when she walked into sick bay her telepathic defenses went down. His thoughts were clear and strong. “She is my angel’ he had thought, feelings that he had been holding back and then his realization that she knew exactly what he was thinking. She felt her heart beat faster as she lit her mediation lamp. She had to get things back in control if she were ever to face him again.

She went through the steps and it helped calm her down but she knew there was something there that all the techniques in the world could not stop. She admitted to herself that she was in love with Tom Paris and it was wrong. She hadn’t meant for it to happen. The timing was wrong...the circumstances. All of it was wrong.

She heard the chirp at her door. She went to open it and found him there.

“Hello.” She said.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

‘Yes. I am fine.” He looked in the room and she saw him staring at the lamp. She knew that he knew what it was for.’

“ I’m sorry I ran away like that. I never ever read my friend’s thoughts. It's just not something I do. I wasn’t expecting to find...what I found there.” she said.

“Kes, we need to talk.” His voice was quiet. She glanced up at him. His eyes were full of kindness. “By that I mean actual talking." He smiled.

"Yes. We can talk. We need to talk.” She suddenly felt out of control.

“Not here. . I have a...surprise for you. Or can I keep surprises from you?”

“Of course you can.” Kes laughed. “I don’t deliberately go digging around in people’s minds. Tuvok taught me how to avoid that. It's just that sometimes I run into the unexpected and I let my guard down..”

“Good. “ he said. “Come with me.” He offered her his arm. She took it and forced her mental shields to go in place but she still could feel warmth and peaceful feelings coming from him.

Down the corridor, down a few decks to the Holodeck.

“Computer. Program Kes one.” He said and the doors opened.

‘Go ahead.” He said.

She hesitantly walked in. She was greeted by a large expanse of blue water. The rays of the sun reached across it but it was comfortable, not hot. They were on a green island and before them was a white sandy beach.

“Tom...this is beautiful.”

“It's my little thank you for being there for me. You can say goodbye to your uncomfortable little cubby hole and use this as your getting away place...whenever you want.”

She ran down to the beach and knelt down in the sand.

“Thank you. I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything." He said.”Just enjoy.” He made his way to her side and sat down beside her. For a long time they stood and stared across the water and said nothing.

“I…” she began.

“Kes…” he started at the same time. They both gave an embarrassed laugh.

“You read my thoughts.” He said. “I meant them. You are an angel Kes. A light in a dark place.”

“They were beautiful thoughts Tom.” she said. She turned to face him.

He stared at her and without hesitation took her face in his hands.

“Oh what the hell. Let’s not fight this.” He said and with those words he kissed her.

Her defenses went down and she could see into his mind. She didn’t want to but she was driven by a force so strong that none of her mental powers could slow it down. She came to a large white door which she opened. B’elanna was there, wearing a red dress and holding the flower Kes had saved for Tom. She was smiling. Kes wondered if she was smiling in Tom’s memory or if it was directed toward Kes herself as if giving approval. Kes backed away slowly and shut the door, not wanting to interfere with this particular memory. She looked around her. She saw accidents and felt pain, saw Tom as he was before she met him and saw his reactions to all the adventures they had shared together on Voyager. His first thoughts of B’Elanna. She felt his honest affection for Harry, his gratitude to the Captain She felt the love he had for B’elanna grow and their passionate relationship and then she felt the pain again...so intense that she flinched herself and then she felt the pain subsiding, healing over and a light flashed and she saw herself as Tom saw her. She felt love again but this time it was different...so different reaching back to the time when he had first met her and grow stronger. It was real. So very very real.

 _I wish he could feel what I feel._ She thought to herself. _I wish he could see himself as I see him._

Tom suddenly pulled back and stared at her. Her journey through his mind had taken just a few seconds.

“What was that?” He asked. His voice was full of caution.

“What was that?” she asked.

“It was like I could see into your mind...it was kind of faint…but something definitely happened. ”

“I didn’t know it would go both ways! My mental shields...I couldn’t keep them in place.” Kes exclaimed. “I’m sorry if that was uncomfortable for you. I’ll try to not let that happen again.” She felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment. She honestly didn’t know she could do that with a non telepath even if her thoughts had been ‘faint’ it was something that wasn’t supposed to happen.

‘No. Its OK. I didn’t mind. It was very...enlightening. I saw your life on Ocampa, how you went exploring...how Neelix found you. I felt your pain….and how you felt my pain. I saw everything...down to the last few weeks and how you started to see me differently. You started to feel differently about me.” he said. His voice and eyes were full of wonder. “You love me.”

“And you love me.”

The silence between them was broken by the rhythmic swish of the ocean in front of them.

Tom threw back his head and laughed. A real true laugh from the heart. She hadn’t heard that for a long time.

“What?” She asked.

“Didn’t we do that...sort of backwards?”

She didn’t understand him at first but then then the absurdity of it all overcame her and she laughed along with him.

“I guess...we sort of... did.” A sudden calm enveloped her. She envisioned being with him sharing his love and laughter for a long time to come.

 

 


End file.
